The hardest goodbye 

I had to say goodbye last night, to the greatest nonchild I’ve ever had. 

I’m not a mother but I feel like one. 

She’s not my daughter but it feels like she is. 

I am the worst non-mother. 

I left her. For something she doesn’t understand. 

I’m so sorry. 

I wanted to stay. 

I wanted to stay with you forever. 

I wanted to wake you up in the morning and feed you breakfast. 

I wanted to brush your hair and tie it up with ribbons. 

I wanted to read you bedtime stories.

I wanted to collect leaves and play Dutch blitz. 

There are so many things I wanted to do with you. 

I loved you like a daughter. 

I have to go now, though. 

In pursuit of another career. 

The life of a nanny is a cruel one. 
But at the same time, it’s a gift. 


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